If you ever thought one needed brains to get elected to office, Riverside County Sheriff Bob Doyle who is resigning from office in disgrace is living proof that intellect is not a prerequisite for public life. In life many people can accommodate for a lack of "books smarts" with an abundance of "street smarts." Unfortunately for Doyle he runs short on both as proven by many of his actions these last five years that have defied common sense.
Take for instance Doyle's announcement last week that he was going to resign because he was going to accept an appointment from the Governator. The Administration had not announced the appointment and Inside Riverside has learned that when Doyle went public with the news that he was up for the Parole Board job, the Governor's staff actually considered not giving Doyle the appointment since he jumped the gun and wasn't playing by their rules. Fortunately for the good people of Riverside County, the Governor must have felt their collective pain and figured he'd still appoint the Royal Doyle because he would do less harm to public safety on the Parole Board than he has been causing in our county.
Another example of the Bob Doyle's lack of intellectual muscle is the letter he submitted to Supervisor John Tavaglione that can now be found on Instant Riverside.
What's interesting to us here at Inside Riverside is the stuff that Doyle is saying between the lines to Tavaglione that those at the Board of Supervisors will understand, but the general public won't. So as a service to you dear readers Inside Riverside will now expound upon the hidden messages of Doyle's letter. Our annotations are in parenthesis and are what we believe Doyle is really saying to the Board.
Dear Chairman Tavaglione,
During the last 32 years, I have had the privilege to work with the finest men and women in law enforcement anywhere in the world. These are dedicated individuals that work to protect and serve the citizens of Riverside County, and to improve our quality of life.
(I am especially proud of my hand picked favorites that play on my softball team. They really are something else. It 's too bad Richard Kamstra couldn't drink and drive better, he really had a glove on him. I'm still pissed about whoever bought him those extra shots for after the game. But Lingle says it was Andrews, and Andrews says it was Lingle, so what am I supposed to do, be pissed at both of them? And you know Mike and Neil. How can you stay mad at those lovable bozos?)
In the last five years, I have been honored to work with you, as part of the majority of the Board of Supervisors. (You guys have really helped me stop that Jeff Stone from keeping criminals in jail. Venable never would have protested letting people out of jail early.) You and the majority of the Board have consistently made decisions based on principles, not political expediency. (You guys get what I'm all about. It's always more valuable to have people around you that are loyal even if they are incompetent. Like that retired army colonel Stan Sniff. Had to get rid of him. He's too smart and was starting to make Andrews feel inferior. Can't have my protege Mikey feeling inferior now, could I?)
I have been appointed to serve on two commissions by the governor in the past. (That's right, I'm the big man in the County.) Last week I was given another opportunity to serve the citizens of this state, as a Commissioner of the State Parole Board. (Just imagine how many criminals I can let out of state prison early. This early release from jail is going to seem minor league to letting serious felons that are just misunderstood back on to the streets of California.)
I have accepted this position and will retire as Elected Sheriff-Coroner effectively at the close of October 12, 2007. (And I got to tell you JT, that even though I did that commercial for Buster a few years back attacking my deputies for the pension plan they negotiated, it's looking pretty sweet now. I should be pulling down a bit more than $206,000 each year for my retirement, and that's before COLA increases! Not bad for government work is it? With the extra $100,000 for the Parole Board gig, I'll be raking in real money. Not the real money that you and the majority of the Board earned in the private sector, but don't you got worrying. Labecca and I will be fine.)
It is only appropriate that I request that the Board of Supervisors appoint my replacement immediately in order to ensure the stability of the services provided by the Riverside County Sheriff's Department. (Otherwise who is going keep the overworked deputies of this county in the vise and let them know who is in charge? Morale is overrated after all.) I strongly recommend that you appoint Undersheriff Neil Lingle as the Interim Sheriff for the remainder of my term. Neil is educated, dedicated and committed to providing the highest level of professional law enforcement services.
In addition, he has the skill sets needed to do the job. (No one can brown nose better than Lingle. Well maybe Tom Freeman, but Lingle almost seems sincere about it. With Freeman you know it's about him keeping his job. But that's always a nice sword to hold over that his head. But back to Lingle.)
He is the most experienced and effective administrator that I can recommend for this position. His nearly three years of experience as the Undersheriff has prepared him well for this responsibility. Neil's selection as the Interim Sheriff will ensure stability and continue the high quality of service provided by the Riverside County Sheriff's Department. (I have complete faith that Neil Lingle will continue to cover up anything that I have done that may be unethical or illegal, like those badges to my campaign contributors. I got that troublemaker Pacheco trying to explain the law to me now. Who the hell does he think he is? I'm the chief law enforcement official of the County. Not him and I will be until October 12th damn it! Sorry, JT went off on a tangent there.)
The names of a number of retired, fired and/or other ineffective administrators have been rumored to be currently lobbying the Board for their personal appointment to this position. (If the Board is looking for ineffective administrators there really is no reason to look far from the second floor. I've got Neil Lingle, Mike Andrews, and Tom Freeman ready and willing to continue ineffectively running the RSO. You can't get much more ineffective than those three. So why search for ineffective and incompetent people outside the agency, when I've got three ready and willing to keep running the Department into the ground?)
It is my hope that you will not allow those with personal agendas such as union heads, colleagues or those seeking to disrupt this organization to prevail. (That lousy RSA. You know I almost had them done in, but then the facts came out and the feds saw that the evidence against them was all fabricated, just like the Duke rape thing. If only the feds had played ball better. I personally blame Grover Trask for passing the buck on that one. If only he had been willing to get into the mud with me, the perfect case could have manufactured. But no, Grover had to let a little thing like the law get in the way. And now McNamara gets re-elected as the head of the association without opposition and I have to leave office early! Sorry another tangent there. Let's get back to this Lingle situation.)
I urge you to make this appointment based on principles, not political expediency. Please pick the best and most qualified person for this job, and do so quickly. (Scratch the previous sentence about no political expediency. Like morale, due diligence is overrated. We've got to move quickly before people realize that Lingle really isn't cut out of the top job. But that's not what's important. To paraphrase my favorite president Richard Nixon, it's the coverup that matters.)
The men and women of this fine organization deserve that. Undersheriff Neil Lingle will serve you well. (Especially since you'll have him by the short hairs given all his baggage. We did find the guy in Desert Hot Springs after all, and you know how corrupt that police department is.)
In conclusion, I want to thank you for your support of me during my tenure as the Sheriff-Coroner. I am proud of the progress that we made working together. (I know that some mistakes were made, not by me of course, but I forgive you and the Board for not giving me another helicopter for personal use. You guys are only human and not infallible like yours truly.)
Please contact me if I can provide any additional information. (However, I will most likely remain silent so that anything I say to you can't be used against me in court if the US Attorney or the State Attorney General do file charges against me. Wouldn't want to put you or me in that spot. Wouldn't be good at all.)
BOB DOYLE, SHERIFF-CORONER (Master of the Freaking Universe)
Inside Riverside hopes you appreciate the satire above.